My First Colonoscopy: A Love Story Between Me and My Dignity

LB
Mar 31
2 min read

Updated: Apr 15

I was 51 when my Primary Care Physician—my boy—told me it was time for a routine colonoscopy. I’m talking about the doc I thought I was cool with. The one I figured would skip right over that little recommendation. You know, look me in the eye, nod in mutual respect, and say, “Nah, you’re good.”

Instead, he handed me a referral (the nerve of him).

We weren’t cool anymore.

“We’re Just Going to Talk,” I Said.

“I Need to Take a Look,” She Said.

So, I show up to the specialist's office thinking we’re gonna have a nice chat—go over paperwork, laugh a little, maybe talk about my favorite foods.

No. This woman said she needed to take a look.

“At what?” I asked, still pretending this wasn't about to happen.

She gave me the look. You know the one. "At your butt crack, ma’am." (those weren't her exact words)

I should’ve left right then.

Instead, I laid on the table, curled on my side like a confused shrimp, begging myself not to accidentally fart on her (I mean poot. I told my husband that women don't fart, we poot), and suddenly—PFFFT. She shot air up there like it was a balloon at a birthday party.

Sheesh! Could you tell a person first?

Oh, and Apparently, I have a hemorrhoid. Thanks for that news.

She goes, “You probably know you’ve got a hemorrhoid in there.”

I blinked. “Do I?” How would I know that?! What do y’all think I’m doing in my spare time? Taking inventory?

Anyway, she scheduled me for the actual colonoscopy. I walked out of there with a bruised ego, some paperwork, and trust issues.

The Prep: A Liquid Nightmare 💩

Let me just say, the hardest part of the entire colonoscopy…Is not the procedure. It’s that nasty prep drink they make you chug the night before.

They say “clear liquids only.” But they don’t tell you it’s gonna feel like your insides are training for a 5K. You sit on that toilet, questioning every life choice, your body making sounds no one prepared you for.

The Day Of: Lights Out, Booty Cam In 🎥

Now here’s the good news: You don’t feel a thing. You're out cold. One minute you’re counting backwards, and the next minute, you’re waking up like, “Did it happen already?”

They tell you, yes, it’s done. Camera’s been in, gone sightseeing, taken some notes, and you were none the wiser.

Honestly? 10/10. Highly recommend. Okay, maybe 7/10 because of the drink (Am I actually rating this?).