My Metabolism is Missing—If Found, Please Return

Because I'd like to eat bread without negotiating with my jeans.

At some point after I turned 50, I realized something suspicious was going on. No, not the usual stuff—like forgetting why I walked into a room or discovering a new chin hair with each sunrise. I’m talking about my metabolism.

She left. Vanished. No note. No forwarding address. Just disappeared like she never even existed. Rude.

In my 30s, and even 40s, I could crush a basket of fries, a brownie sundae, and a nap—in that order—and wake up the next day like nothing happened. Now? One glance at a bagel and my waistband tightens out of sheer protest.

It’s Not You—It’s Biology (Unfortunately)

Once we hit 50, our bodies start doing this cute thing called slowing down. Hormones shift, muscle mass decreases, and suddenly, calories behave like clingy exes—they just don’t leave. Even when you call the police (personal trainer). So no, you’re not “failing” at fitness. Your body is simply recalculating—and you're not alone.

Working With Your Body, Not Against It

I spent a good chunk of time fighting it. I tried everything: low-carb, no-carb, chew the food and spit it out, just sniff the food and walk away diets. Spoiler: none of it stuck. Why? Because joy matters too. And I’m not spending the rest of my life in a war with bread.

So here’s what I am doing:

• Prioritizing Protein: It helps maintain muscle, which burns more calories—even at rest. Plus, it keeps me fuller longer, which means I’m not stalking the fridge at 9:45 p.m.

• Moving More, But Smarter: I’m not trying to become an Olympic sprinter—I just walk more, stretch more, and sneak in strength training so I can carry groceries without throwing my back out.

• Drinking More Water (Yes, I Know): Apparently, coffee doesn’t count as hydration. (Rude again.) But water helps with everything—from digestion to energy to metabolism.

• Letting Go of Punishment-Based Eating: Food isn’t the enemy. Guilt is. I’ve stopped labeling foods as “good” or “bad.” There’s just balance, choices, and the occasional cookie I will absolutely not regret.

• And Intermittent Fasting? A Lifesaver. I don’t preach it like a gospel, but I’ll say this: intermittent fasting helped me reset. It gave my digestion a break, stabilized my energy, and (bonus!) helped my cells do their thing. When you fast, your cells can go into autophagy—a kind of internal clean-up crew mode where they break down and recycle old, damaged parts. Basically, it's like spring cleaning for your body. Science-y and satisfying.

  
  

It’s Okay to Mourn the Fast Metabolism—Then Move On

Yes, I miss those days of eating pizza at midnight. Yes, I’d love for my jeans to be a little more forgiving. But I also love feeling strong, satisfied, and sane. And working to lift my drooping butt cheeks without having to get a BBL!

That’s what this season is about—making peace with your body and treating it with the same grace you give everyone else.

And if you happen to find my metabolism wandering around out there—probably near the bread aisle—tell her I’m not mad. I just want to talk.

Until the next hot flash…

 💋 LB