The Day My Boobs Became Pancakes

...A.K.A. My First Mammogram at 50

I waited until I turned 50 to get a mammogram. Not because I’m irresponsible—no, no, it’s because I truly believed that by then, science would’ve figured out a better way to do this. Like maybe a scan that doesn't involve flattening my boobs into pancakes.

I mean… we’ve got self-driving cars and robots that vacuum. But here I am, halfway undressed in a paper gown, trusting a machine to squish my tiny breasts with all the tenderness of a garbage compactor.

Let’s Talk Expectations vs. Reality

First of all, they had the nerve to tell me I couldn’t wear deodorant. I’m sorry—what? I’m in menopause, ma’am. I sweat like a linebacker in August. You want me to walk into a medical appointment braless, nervous, and unarmed?

But okay. Fine. I washed, prayed, and went in.

They were kind. The tech was sweet. But then came the moment: I stepped up to the machine. I held my breath and braced myself.

The First Smash Wasn’t So Bad...

I was almost disappointed. I thought, Wait—that's it? I can do this!

Then she told me to turn slightly. Then again. And again. By the third adjustment, I swear she was trying to take a side profile of my soul. That’s when I felt the pinch. The kind of pinch that makes your brain send a text to your toes saying, “Y’all good?”

Still—it was quick. Like, over-before-you-finish-cussing-in-your-head kind of quick.

I Thought They’d Deflate Forever

When it was over, I looked down and thought, Well... this is it. They’re done. Permanently pancaked. I expected two wrinkled origami shapes just sitting on my chest. But guess what? They came back. Popped right back into shape like they knew I was worried.

Here’s the Truth

I put it off. I shouldn’t have. The jokes are real, and the process is… a lot. But early detection matters. And believe it or not, it was less painful than I imagined—and way faster.

So if you’ve been avoiding it, hoping for a futuristic boob scanner or a gentle whisper of a scan…Don’t be like me.

Get it done. Your girls will recover. Your peace of mind is worth the squeeze.

Until the next hot flash…

 💋 LB