The Day My CT Scan Set My Vagina on Fire

I’m not usually one for dramatic titles, but this one is not an exaggeration.

So I had a CT scan scheduled. No big deal, right? I’d had one years ago, but l didn’t remember a thing about it. I just knew they were looking at my neck this time, and the lab order said with contrast. What’s contrast? I had no idea. I figured it meant something would contrast. Very medical of me, considering I was pre-med in college.

Anyway, at the hospital, I sat in the lobby until the lab texted me that they were ready for me (because that’s how we do things now—medicine meets DoorDash vibe), and a tech met me at a door to walk me back to the room where it happens.

I walked in, and there it was: this large, spaceship-looking scanner thing that looked like it was about to beam me up to Starfleet.

I put my things down, and the nurse, who was kind and very calming, explained she was giving me an IV with the contrast. “It’ll take 45 seconds,” she said. “You’ll feel a light flush—at least that’s how most patients describe it.”

I nodded. Cool. I’m chill. Let’s do this. The sooner we get this done, the sooner I can get a taco.

Now, here's were it's crazy. Feel free to fall over laughing like my best friend did when I told her.

So I’m lying on the table, waiting for the light flush, when suddenly… My butt feels the flush first. A burst of heat shot out of my back door like I was about to take flight. And I'm thinking, I sharted! Did I just shart? What the freak? I just sharted!

But I didn't. My butt hole didn't have a flush, it was on fire, and I know the panic showed on my face.

Then the heat moved. Quickly. It hit my vagina like a warning shot, and I'm thinking, what the heck is happening to me. She said a light flush. I must be having an allergic reaction.

Then the heat wrapped around my butt cheeks.

Friends, I can't make this up.

And all I could think was: Ma’am, I came here about my NECK. Why is my vagina on fire? Why is this scan doing a full lower body heat wave when the issue is in my throat? Code red! Houston, we have a problem!

Meanwhile, on the outside? I’m silent. Calm. Dignified (except for my eyeballs). On the inside? My lady parts are screaming, and I'm certain I’ve just been microwaved.

Seconds later, it’s over. The scan ends. My lower half is no longer on fire. The tech walks in and says, “All done!” and I just smile, nod, and pretend like I didn’t just experience full pelvic combustion.

I got up slowly... Just in case I was wrong and there was poop in my pants. There wasn't.

Did I tell the nurse or the tech what happened? Absolutely not. I didn’t need them falling out in the hallway, clutching their sides, telling the entire break room what I'd said.

But I did tell my husband. His response? Uncontrollable laughter. Actual tears.

Anyway. The scan worked. The contrast clearly made it to my neck because they were able to see what they needed to see. But we’ll talk more about that another day (Honestly, I’m still deciding if I want to share that part.).

For now, just know this: if you’re ever getting a CT scan with contrast, and someone tells you it’s going to feel like a “light flush”—just smile, nod, and mentally prepare to be set ablaze in places you did NOT consent to.

If you've every experienced something similar, please let me know. I really don't want to be alone on this one. LOL.

Until the next hot flash…

 💋 LB